Ramblings of A Labradoodle Owner

Christmas day is soon to arrive and my 3 doodle dogs have a heartfelt message to convey to one and all.We 3 doodles are not from the Orient. However we do bring gifts for all to bear. We are not aware of the true meaning of Christmas that humans have knowledge of and practice yearly.  So instead we would like to tell you what Christmas means to our 3 doodle dogs.

4 Nights before Christmas is when MOM starts to make holiday goodies:

Max, our 17 month old Labradoodle weighing in at 85 lbs.

“Oh boy! Oh yeah!! Hey Peanut you smell that? Where’s mom? Peanut stop chewing that bone and help me out please. Beau please go and find Dad.”

Beau, our 5 month old Goldendoodle weighing in at 42 lbs.

“Why should I go find Daddy, let Peanut do it. Remember I have the soft ears and sad Hush Puppy Eyes which makes my MOM melt and no longer works for you Max, ha ha!

Peanut, our 12 month old Goldendoodle now down to a svelte 55lbs.

“Uh, guys remember I am the boss even though I am sweet as pie and everyone says I am the cutest dog anyone has ever seen. Remember people say my coat is ‘to die for!” So guys, forget about trying to distract me as I may be blonde but I do have brains! How else do I always steal your toys and bones away from you? Heh, heh, heh.”

MOM , which is me, the mother of 3 dogs that lately feels like I have a 3, 6, and 13 year old instead of 3 doodle dogs.“Max, Peanut, Beau…OUT, OUT, OUT! Okay if you sit and watch by the doorway and be good you can stay in the kitchen with me”, is what I say to them. I now remind myself not to turn my back for a second, take inventory on all cooking ingredients out like butter, molasses, and cookie dough making sure I push it far back as possible on the counter top. “Dave can you put on some Christmas music please as remember I have all 3 doodles with me now and they aren’t bugging you to go out or anything. Thanks Dave”. When a guy is lying on a couch with a remote in hand and has a full belly they need reminding at times with women’s logic as to why they need to get up OFF the couch and pacify a woman’s small sincere request to shut off their TV program which they end up sleeping and snoring through. When you try to switch the program or put on music, a man always awaken saying, “hey I was watching that”.

Yeah right, what through mental imagery in between checking your eyelids for holes and clearing your sinus passages via snoring? Men’s logic does not work on most women such as myself. Dave is a smart man as he put some music on and he can now go read a book while I have 3 pairs of eyes and 3 wagging tails behaving like 3 perfect angels in the kitchen with me.

NOW back to my dog’s meaning of Christmas or at least 4 nights before Christmas.I am taking out milk, eggs, spatulas, wooden spoons, 2 books with stained pages that fall out every time you open the book, granulated sugar, brown sugar, confectionary sugar, ginger, cream of tartar, molasses, tons of flour, pans, too much butter, walnuts, rolling pin, raspberry preserves, chocolate, raisins, and now I wish I just had a tall floor to ceiling Lazy Susan as my back is being bent every which way looking for measuring spoons, pans, cookie trays and the attachments to my Kitchen Aid Mixer. Ok now that my kitchen looks like a few of the grocery isles in a food store I am almost ready to begin. Pre-heat the oven and make sure the parchment paper is under a watchful eye every second and remember I have 3 adorable angelic dogs underfoot that could become devilish thieves at any given moment if I even blink long enough. I make a mental note to make sure the raisins and chocolate are high up as they are dangerous ingredients to a dog’s intestinal tract. And also try to announce this to my household.Ok, music is on, ingredients are ready, oven is warm, and everything is laid out in a somewhat fashionable order. Oh wait, I need the step stool to use both for sitting and to fend off 3 doodle dogs when taking out bon bons, fudge, molasses cookies, walnut fudge and more. Now I can finally start on my holiday baking. Not bad, it only took me 75 minutes to get organized without any mishaps so far and amazingly I have not tripped over a dog yet or stepped on any of their tails. And so far my house and cell phone are quiet with no one calling—yet.Max, Peanut and Beau are licking their chops, wagging their tails, one has a bit of drool hanging but they are all quieter than a mouse. They sit in anticipation. I really will believe they are being extremely good and will turn my back as all 3 can reach counter tops and give me “just checking it out Mom” look when caught. I just realized the lid on the garbage is open and close it immediately. Homemade fudge is done and in freezer with no mishaps. Now comes the fun part making bons bons in the world’s tiniest kitchen which is referred in earlier years as a “cook’s kitchen”.  (Note: Dave always calls it a “ship’s galley” kitchen)

I have heard of people refer to their dogs of stealing things in their house. Others state it is called borrowing. And then there are those that say their dogs eat and swallow things in order to hide the evidence. Since Max and Peanut don’t hide what they take nor readily give it up easily I have to insist it is neither one, instead it how Max became our Quality Assurance Inspector and Peanut his QA assistant. Beau is our latest addition to the Quality Assurance team and in apprenticeship at the moment.

Now why would I state this fact? Because that is exactly what they do! They check out things to make sure they are up to code specifications. Moreover, my dogs really do care about our well being, testing all different products to ensure our safety needs are met at all times.

Max tests my panties to see if the elastic stretches just right, not too tight nor too loose. He then proceeds to taste the cloth to see if the texture is what the labels says: cotton versus nylon. Peanut then will give the 2^nd opinion when Max either deems it necessary or is uncertain. Same with Spaulding balls…do they bounce correctly? Each and every time as well. Can they split easily hence the need to chew them for approximately 3 to 5 minutes at daily intervals. Additionally, how much syrup of Ipecac is needed in one’s home for emergencies with unsafe practices and/or products that can cause discomfort or digestive issues? Seriously, we need to also consider the health of quality assurance inspectors too.

Quality Assurance Inspection is top notch in my house. Socks are tested to see if they unravel with the slightest licking or chewing, especially the ones that have the reinforced toes on them.  Towels are tested for dryer durability. Max and Peanut simulate a dryer by running and tumbling with the towel each one holding an end. If it can withstand multiple tests weekly it is good enough to go in our wash then dryer. Next are old worn out boots and sneakers. Once they tear easily they are no longer safe to wear and need to be thrown out. (Note: rubber cement glue does not hold up more than a few weeks) Coats are left alone as they usually have an inspector tag and number inside one of the pockets when you buy them.

Those illegal tags that warn you not to remove them, well those are put to the test for major store chains right here in our humble household. Unfortunately, I have not been able to convince these stores their tags are not up to our standards as they tear off easily. Well that is what Max and Peanut not only told me but showed me just the other day.

Quality Assurance is not an easy job as it takes much patience, thought, training, and practice. Moreover, one has to have thick skin in order to be a QA inspector to stand up to differing opinions in a human household. Humans and dogs do not always see eye to eye, especially when our QA inspectors run off with their next item to test out. Dave and I are wondering when we should fire them and offer them a different career but the dishwasher position hasn’t opened up yet—-that’s our teenagers’ job still. Doing laundry is out of the question, which is my job. Hold on, Dave is complaining now saying he helps (once in a blue moon) with the laundry. Okay, I just made Dave feel better and said he is my laundry assistant. (Glad that one is settled) Dave is also the part-time outdoor grill chef. Something tells me our food does not need canine QA inspecting as of yet. We are running out of ideas as to what other jobs Max and Peanut could apply for in our house. Beau is too young for working papers. And taking out the garbage is out of the question. For now, we’ll let them stay QA inspectors but conference with them as to what really needs inspecting and what should be left alone.

As of present day, we have all agreed TV remotes, computer mouse and keyboards, and plants are safe for us to use daily and do not need inspection.  Empty gallon plastic jugs still get tested to see how well they withstand falling down and not busting. We are let known also when a plant is in need of watering to maintain optimal health. How is this accomplished is one of our QA inspectors either bite the leaf or see how easily it pulls off and then shove their nose in the dirt to test the dryness level. How can I ever thank them enough for the wondrous help they provide free of charge?

My big overstuffed red basketball slippers that are not nonskid, Peanut just informed me yesterday that they rip easily and are way overstuffed. Lucky for me, Peanut was able to fix the overstuffing problem. The slippers are now slimmer and have better ventilation via holes in them. The non-skid problem has yet to have a solution at the moment. Beau is thinking over too as he has a problem skidding on our floors and keeps studying his own paws as well. He is a thinker for sure!

Cell phones are usually left alone along with remote controls. But a Bluetooth for hands free talking was just tested for shock resistance, durability and operation under stress. Max’s mouth recently was flashing blue! Dave informed me to get Max quickly as he was taking his job as QA too seriously. I let Max take off early from work that night and finally was handed a sopping wet, chewed up, possibly toothless, Bluetooth device. After a night of recharging, it still didn’t work or at least for 3 days. This toothless device came back to life, people sound smaller and quieter but it does work for now. Once again, my QA inspectors have proven which items hold up to their testing standards. Question is do I dare write to any companies informing them of the testing methods we do and how well they do or don’t hold up to industry standards?

So all in all I would say we are pretty darn fortunate to have built in QA inspectors ready, willing and able to complete any job that needs their attention. I do not need to read consumer reports or studies done on particular products as our dogs are the best QA inspectors in the business! We already know how far and wide elastic bands can stretch, how long a plastic food bowl with a rubber bottom lasts, and when shoes need to be thrown out for safety reasons. Recalls of products are a thing of the past! But we do call our dogs and recall them over and over again. Sometimes they heed our recall other times they develop their own.  All in all we feel we have honest, sincere, genuine loving dogs that do not steal nor borrow items from us in this house. Instead they constantly provide loving care and guidance for us to pay attention to what NOT to buy again in the future, thus saving us money on products that do not last like stated on a label or instruction booklet. We are truly blessed and wish each and every one of you to have your very own personal canine QA inspector in your household.

Remember, the bright side is they don’t take sick days, holidays, do not get paid overtime or need disability and lucky for them they don’t pay taxes. To-date there has not been any mention of workers compensation when they have banged into a wall when testing a particular product. Instead they offer this service totally free of charge each and every time.

Update of newest recall: the seams on the back of wool throw rugs come off easily and need reinforcing. A loose thread on a rug needs immediate sewing or becomes unraveled quickly thereby posing a health hazard.  Bluetooth devices do become toothless after a couple of QA tests. Real fur products on winter hats and coats pose an allergy hazard and must be destroyed.

Will wonders never cease? Or will I continuously be truly blessed to have 3 of the best quality assurance inspectors? Eat your heart out.

I am so fortunate to have 3 of the best, loving canine quality assurance inspectors in the world,  that love my family and I so much that they ensure we life safely on a daily basis.

P.S. Remember, quality assurance inspectors do not come by their talent easily. One needs to let them develop their career with patience, guidance, love and a sense of humor at all times.

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